Needs Create Feelings = Behavior

Co-facilitating a workshop for parents at a homeless shelter this past week we did a lot of work looking at how, for everyone (not just kids) having unmet needs cause us to have feelings, from which we exhibit certain behaviors to communicate those feelings. This translates to a formula that can be really helpful for parents.

Let’s work backwards. You’re in a store, doing some frantic shopping for dinner with your baby/toddler/young child. You’ve been running around all day and are making this last stop before dinner. Your child throws a tantrum. That’s the behavior. But when we deal with the behavior ONLY, we miss the two layers beneath it: the feelings that she’s having that lead her to flip out, and then beneath THAT, the need that is unmet (hunger? fatigue? overstimulation?) that causes the feeling.

The magic wand that this perspective gives us, as parents, is first of all to anticipate our children’s needs (snack for the store? better planning to get to store earlier? more down time to decompress through the day?), and also to understand how overwhelmed our child might be feeling before she needs to go to drastic measures to get her needs met.

The frontal lobe of your child is responsible for handling all thought and voluntary behavior such as walking, speech, and problem solving, and some aspects of emotion. It is also not fully developed for YEARS. So our kids can’t control their behavior the way that we can — in the words of my mama-friend Art, we actually have to BE their brain for the early parts of their lives, and teach them as they grow their brain fully.

The same works for us, by the way. It behooves us on so many levels to learn to identify our own needs and find ways to get them met — it keeps us from reacting negatively or unconstructively, AND it sets a great example for our kids.

Would you like to receive your complimentary Intuitive Parenting Timeless Tips from In Arms Coaching? Please email Spirithouse@gmail.com with “subscribe me” in the heading. 

In addition, if you’d like to contribute a small bit of parenting wisdom or advice to be featured in the next Intuitive Parenting Timeless Tips Newsletter, please send to same email address.

And please check out www.inarmsparenting.com for information on how to receive a COMPLIMENTARY private coaching session, upcoming workshops, and more info!

*Here’s what one woman had to say about her COMPLIMENTARY coaching session:

“Britt helped reframe the issues I was struggling with and I left our initial session feeling less anxious and less overwhelmed with my fears around being a parent. She gave me some concrete tools to help me process further and immediately followed up with some resources she had promised me. I have already recommended her to a few friends who are parents or soon-to-be parents.”  –M.E.
                                              

                                                     Working together to create the life you LOVE to live!
                                                                         www.inarmsparenting.com
                                                                                       917.971.5347

Do you dread diaper-changing time?

“Diaper time” with an un-cooperative child can be a stressful experience that completely challenges your parenting skills. Bella and I went through a stage in our house where changing her diaper was a monumental battle, accompanied by tears and harsh words. I dreaded each change, and felt frustrated and guilty that I didn’t have the skills and patience to handle each situation in a better way.

Here is a simple solution that worked for us like a charm:

Get a “special” toy (a book, a doll, or something colorful and shiny) that your child is only allowed access to while her diaper is being changed. When it’s time to change your child’s diaper, say brightly, “Diaper changing time! Let’s get your special toy/book!” If your child looks forward to playing with her toy she will start looking forward to diaper time, and it will quickly become a happily accepted event! Remember to rotate the book or toy often so as to not lose its magic.

Would you like to receive your complimentary Intuitive Parenting Timeless Tips from In Arms Coaching? Please email Spirithouse@gmail.com with “subscribe me” in the heading. 

In addition, if you’d like to contribute a small bit of parenting wisdom or advice to be featured in the next Intuitive Parenting Timeless Tips Newsletter, please send to same email address.

And please check out www.inarmsparenting.com for information on how to receive a COMPLIMENTARY private coaching session, upcoming workshops, and more info!
                                              

                                                    Working together to create the life you LOVE to live!
                                                                 www.inarmsparenting.com
                                                                             917.971.5347

Dates have been scheduled for a new drop-in breast-feeding support group at Metro Minis:
821 Park Avenue at 75th Street
NY, NY 10021                
212-313-9600
www.metrominis.com

Breastfeeding support group with Britt Bolnick is at noon on Wednesdays: March 18, April 8th.
At noon on Tuesday May 5th.

Also exciting: Prenatal Intuitive Parenting Workshop on Thursday night, April 16th. Pre registration is suggested for that.

Please visit their website for more information and to register for the Prenatal Intuitive Parenting Workshop!

What is coaching?

To begin with, coaching is not therapy. It is a process of identifying what is important to you, how you want to spend your time and live your life, where you want your energy to go, where your energy comes from, and what stands in your way of getting the things you want. Some people begin with simply identifying what it is that they want from their lives!

Coaching is a way of confronting the blocks within you that keep you from moving forward, get you stuck, block you from living the live you love to live.

Coaching is a source of support and guidance, a process of working on yourself in a structured, safe environment…a process of making changes in your life for healthier living, deeper connections in your personal relationships, more meaningful and enjoyable work, higher self-esteem, and more intense satisfaction with your life.

Call 917.971.5347 to schedule your FREE INITIAL CONSULTATION today….

She melted down over and over again, which is unlike her: as I stagger down the subway stairs in the pouring rain lugging her stroller and about 10 pounds of shopping bags, with her trailing behind me wailing for me to pick her up…as we buy a MetroCard, because she didn’t get to push the buttons on the machine to get two cards instead of the one I needed (which she did get to push the buttons for…). Then at the elevator in the station (NOT lugging above mentioned stroller, bags, and child back up the stairs!) because she couldn’t push the emergency button on the elevator, then again up on the street, us both wet from prespiration and fuming in the sweltering humidity of the day, because she didn’t want to get in her stroller- but also didn’t want to walk. I empathize with her, and verbalize my guess at what she’s feeling, which makes her scream louder (“I’m NOT ANGRY!!” with small fists waving in the air…). And finally, I plead. “Please, Bell, I’m hot and tired too. When you get in your stroller I can get us both home so we can cool off and relax together.” She finally gives up, and gets into the stroller, fuming.

THAT kind of a day.

As we fall into the front door of the apartment, I crouch to get her out of the stroller that she submitted to in a fit of rage. But she yelled that she didn’t want to get out of the stroller, so I left her in it and went to put the groceries away. She cried that she wanted me to come back.

I go back, kneel down to unbuckle her, and she cries, “No! I don’t want to get out!” as tears trickle down her cheeks. I sigh and squat, thinking and chewing my lip. She reaches out for my arm, pulls it into her lap, and begins stroking it, a soothing behavior for her. As I try to figure out what to DO next, I look at her. Her hair is sticking to her face, there are grubby trails from her hot tears. Her mouth is rapidly working at her binky as her hand strokes my arm, and she seems small and limp in her stroller.

And my heart melts.

It starts to not matter to me what’s going on with her and how to snap her out of it. I stop worrying about how to “fix” or “solve” it, and start to intuit how to connect with her instead, so I can love her through whatever is going on.

“Bell?” I ask softly. She turns her small face towards me. “Would you like to get onto the bed with me and watch Sesame Street on the computer?”

She thinks for a minute, and then nods. She looks relieved, and the tiniest hint of a smile has turned up just the corners of her mouth.

She climbs out of her stroller and runs to the bed where she waits for me eagerly, relaxed against the pillow, shoes thrown to the floor, as I set up the laptop and put in a classic Sesame Street DVD.

I lower the blinds against the summer glare, turn the fan on the bed, and curl up next to her with some work of my own. She snuggles into the crook of my arm, stroking my hand softly, and resting her head up against my cheek.

And as I hold her small self, I am overcome with the sudden success of my intuitive actions. I am also so very thankful for the gifts that she is helping me develop — patience, empathy, communcation, and respect.

Sometimes, I realize in the cool quiet of our room, it’s not that you’re doing things wrong, or you don’t have the parenting skills to “handle” a situation. Sometimes you just need to step back and hear what your kid is saying - both verbally and non-verbally. Sometimes it takes just a lazy hour together to reconnect, to strengthen the connection between us. And we both emerge from that time together renewed, with just a little more faith in each other, a little closer, a little more bonded.

I had been so focused on how I could fix the situation. But relief finally came when I stopped trying to solve it and just committed to sitting with her and loving her throught whatever she was going through.

And that is a message from me to her that will last so much longer than any of my fleeting frustrations.